Its Sunday and a few things to write down.  Went last thursday for a sonogram of my kidneys. Have to say that it was a interesting experience. Let me be frank with you, I am not a hugger at least not in the past. I think it comes from being rejected so many times that I dont let anyone near my wall. Unfortunetly I didn't hug my kids when they were teens but now I do and they hug me all the time. I am glad they are forgiving and love me in that way. Anyhow, going back to my sonogram.. there was a woman there waiting for her friend to get something done (didnt ask) but, she started to talk to me and we ended up having a crash course on CKD (chronic kidney disease) she aske me a question. "Is it reversable?" I think at that point I wanted to cry. I responded with a no, unfortunetly it does not. She hugged me as if she knew me forever and said she was sorry. She almost made me cry. It was a nice experience and a much needed hug.

I notice that I am bruising very easily now and I don't look like myself.  More down not bright eyed like I use to be. I called my primary doctor and asked for meds to help me calm my nerves down. He prescribed Lorazepam. I am not a person who likes to take drugs. I do take my blood pressure pills faithfully though.  I am just going through so much in my life with my body, work and home that I feel a bit overwhelmed.

I remember the day where I can leave the house at 10am and keep going till 10pm. Now I have to come home after 3 or 4 hours and take a nap. Leave again and have to be back home by 8pm because I am exhausted.

I have to tell you about something that scared me out of my wits, that is if I had any wits at the time which I doubt . This happened yesterday, I went shopping for my cruise that I am taking at the end of this month. I was gone about 3 hours and came home to eat and take a nap. I then left again to see if I can find a swimsuit ( I look like shamu's mom no matter what I tried on) anyways, I left without making a purchase and headed downtown to pick up my equiptment for duty 6am sunday. ( I volunteer with victim services) Now, it was pretty busy downtown since every 2nd saturday they have music, vendors and entertainment... just a overall great time. My work is also downtown so parking is very.. I mean very limited. I found a handicap space (thank goodness for handicap parking permission thingys) and processed to go up and get my police radio, pager etc. Went walking for a bit and looked at what they were selling and noticed I didn't grab my paperwork so there I go up the elevator to get my paperwork. After leaving the building I called my daughter to see what she was up to since she was already enjoying downtown with her BFF. She wanted to go to a concert and had got me a ticket too. The concert didnt start till 9pm and ended till???? I was like.. no way, I was exhausted and it was only 7:30pm. I told her I was heading to the car and leaving and she needed to be home by 9pm. She was fine with that.  I got to my car and put my stuff on the trunk looking for my keys when I noticed my car was on (OMGOSH) THE KEYS WERE IN THE CAR AND IT WAS LOCKED.  Then again... was it locked?  I paniced, tried to roll the back window down and of course it wouldn't.  Decided to try the driver door and it was unlocked.  How could I have just simply left without locking the door or shutting the car?  Am I losing it? Is this the beginning of whats to come?   Is this my Sjogrens?  kidneys? or something else?  Am I reading to much into this?  Time will tell. Time will tell.

but you dont look sick

the title of my post is something I hear alot. But, you don't look sick?  Sometimes thats a wonderful thing and other times it isn't. What gets me is the fatigue and the pain that reaches down to my bones. The feeling like I have been awake for hours and need to close my eyes during work hours.

How fustrating this life of mine is.  I just looked at my teeth and the cavities are looking worse. I use to go to the dentist every 2 weeks because of cavities.  I guess after my trip its back to the dentist and paying off the medical bills that have piled up especially the one where they have put a judgement against me.  I work to pay my medical bills. There is no way around it anymore, thats just what is.  So, my vacation will be my last one for a long time. I will enjoy it to the fullest, spend sometime listening to my body and writing in my journal. Reflecting and praying daily for a miracle.

I go tomorrow for a ultrasound of my kidneys, yesterday I went to retake my blood test that showed my GFR at 27 and my Creatinine at 2.06. Last December 2010 it was at 1.8 and eGFR was at 30.  Potassium is lower and the new kidney doctor ordered meds for that. I go Monday to find out the results and if I go for a kidney biopsy which should have been done a very long time ago.

We will see what my options are.  Today I could barely walk without feeling pain, seems like its worse then it has been the past 3 years. Not sure if my Sjogrens has finally started to attack with a force or I am just getting old. I want to cry but, I have no tears... my eyes are very dry.

Tomorrow is a new day, I will think positive ...  will continue with the research of getting better or at least not having so much pain and fatigue. I read that fish oil helps with dry eyes. Need to start taking that. Need to start taking my Vitamin D once a week again since the last blood work shows its at 28. Doctor wants it at the very least 32. Time will tell. Good night...